i'm alive and i'm free, who wouldn't wanna be me.

every journey begins with a step. this particular journey begins with a step towards love, towards passion. after a slight relapse in my all to familiar friend named depression the other night, i took a day dedicated to my God and re-fixed my forgotten priorities. for while i am filled with compassion for others, i frequently struggle with love. i yearn for a day when i may open my heart fully to my friends and love them with every fiber of my being. this is a trait i have been praying for for years. i expressed this desire to God once again, and he simply said to me, "have patience. i am working in you, but it will be slow. it's like a diet. go on a crash diet and you'll gain all that weight back. but this? this is a life style change. this is a change that will be deep and permanent." and so this morning i awoke with the same determination to set my mind on my creator as i had the day before. i sat, and i worshiped and i prayed. and already i feel lighter. i think L.A is going to be very sunny and warm, and its not due to their beautiful weather. no, this joy will come from my heart. and i am very excited for my journey to begin.

let it rain

the rain pours as i look out the window to see a small piece of innocence get washed down the gutter, swirling along with the leaves of yesterday, accompanied by a stranger's leftover garbage. it's not sad, there's no anger in this loss, its just....life. something we have come to accept. maybe that is where the sadness lies. it hides. can i smile at you and give you a hug? maybe i can give you a small piece of me, here take my heart! if only you could know my joy, the lightness that is in my every step thanks to an almighty God. what it must feel like to regain that pride. tired from the incessant treading of the world, bruised and beaten, we fall to the ground in despair and cry out to the sky, "hear my plea!" but we receive silence in return. and as we listen closer, that slight buzzing we once thought was the wind begins to take shape. slowly coming together to form the sounds of a whisper, growing stronger the harder we listen and then there it is. three small words. "HERE I AM". dont ignore it, but run towards it. there are hurdles to jump and dragons to slay, but at the end of that road is a treasure worth every bit of hardship. and He'll be holding your hand the whole way.

my song

the other day i stopped in my tracks, took a look around and said to myself, "this is my life." its so overwhelming that it takes everything in me to not jump around in the street singing (although it doesn't stop me from dancing and singing in my car).  It's in those moments that i feel the creativity in me, the poetry, the music. it's in those moments that the hidden artist within me whispers and begs for me to let her out. She's weak, starved for lack of use. but just as a strong tree starts hidden beneath the ground, so must i allow that innermost angel to stretch and grow, becoming stronger with each year, each use, each song. it isn't easy. i can't know what the results will be. in fact, the results may be worthless in the beginning. left with a pile of creative nothing. a whole lot of cheese and mimicry. but i will continue to exercise my creative gift. like a muscle, pressing on through the pain, forcing myself to take one more step. there are words in my soul. i just need to find the best way to use them. i see the world for what it is. i see the world for what it can be. and it is my one and only wish to reveal these things through my art. i continue to tell myself that i am incapable, but that is the lie that has been poisoning my mind for years and it is time to stop. i have been blessed with opportunities and experiences i never would have thought possible. it is time to celebrate those moments and i will do that through my song, however lackluster it may be in the beginning.

can you hear it?

be true. be new. be you.

i have dedicated myself to a new task: to find something poetic in my every day.


i had a jazz final due today. and as i sat there, my back leaning against the smooth cool glassy mirror, i waited for my turn to present the project that had frustrated my thoughts for the past week and a half. as i watched my friends and classmates, the realization that i had done my project wrong began to creep over the horizon. then with full force, the light shone down on me and screamed, "sucks to be you!" in the past, i may have panicked, burying myself in the ground like a scared mole, hiding and hoping that i would be passed over, giving me the opportunity to redo my project that night. however, today i stood proud, handed over my treasure chest of music commonly referred to as an ipod and took my place before my peers. in that moment i made a decision. i was not doing this for a grade. i was not doing this to create an epic scene of torment and emotion. this dance was for fun. this dance was for me. and that's exactly what i did. for the first time in my jazz final choreographing career i choreographed a dance where i was silly, goofy me. the side of me i rarely let people see. the side of me i love and am finally starting to embrace. i bounced around like a silly girl dancing on her bed to her favorite feel-good song. right or wrong, i had fun and for the first time i can say, "i am proud of my jazz final." and that is all that matters.

be true. be you. be new. life is too short to worry about right and wrong. meet challenges head on and have fun in the process. to live joyfully is a choice. it is taking that step toward ultimate happiness. from now on, no matter the situation, i choose joy.

where does your security lie?

my very core has been rocked. thank goodness my foundation is solid in my Lord Jesus Christ. what do you do when the person you normally look to for guidance, for laughter, for blessings and reminders, no longer looks you in the eye? "i find my security in God and God alone" i repeat over and over. yet there are the doubts that find a way of creeping in. are they lies or conviction? i know im not perfect, but i do my best to let the holy spirit flourish within me so that i might bear all of His fruits. perhaps it is not enough. maybe i am being sensitive. perhaps i am reading to closely into the words that cut away at my joy and leave me in a state of confusion and hurt. did i imagine the shortness of tone? the impatience in your voice? im so sorry if i havnt loved you enough. ill try to do better.
father,

Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for your unending love and devotion. Thank you for your promises, for your Holy Spirit who is at work in me. i pray that you would bless me with the supernatural ability to love. i pray for a selfless love. that i would find joy in working for others gain and not my own. grant me patience. grant me joy. i pray that i would find my strength in you and you alone, the one constant in my life, so that in times of worry, sadness or doubt, i can stand firm in the faith and firm in the dignity that you have bestowed upon me. you love me, Lord, and that is all that matters. o what a friend we have in Jesus. Father, i pray that any girl who is doubting her steps right now would look to your face and know that she has a father who loves her very very much, no matter her mistakes or shortcomings. it is a love that the conditional love of the world is no match for. that is where her security lay. heal this broken spirit, Lord. protect us from the enemy's attacks so that our bond of sisterhood in faith may not be broken. strengthen us Lord God. For i am a woman clothed in strength and dignity. thank you Lord Jesus. Amen

greatness is in the eye of the beholder

What does it mean to be great? to some, it is to win a noble peace prize, an olympic medal or an oscar. to some, it is to be the CEO of a giant corporation or perhaps the leader of a nation. But cannot even the person with the simplest life be considered great. what about that mom who drives her son to football practice every afternoon? or the father who looks his daughter in the eye and says, "yes, you are beautiful. don't let any boy tell you otherwise." What about that person who stands behind a table passing out blankets and food to the homeless? we may never know their names. we may never see their faces, but they are great just the same. greatness is not found in our achievements, but in the lives of the people that we serve and inspire along the way. It is found in the struggle. If, at the end of my life, i may look back and say, " i served my family, my nation, and my world in the best way i knew how," then yes, my life will have been great.

"The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not to win but to take part, just as the  most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well." ~ Olympic Creed

"But it is not this way among you. Instead whoever wants to be great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must be the slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”  ~Mark 10:44-45

just stop and think

Just Stop and Think

**Scott Ayres** | MySpace Video