DO SOMETHING

As we come upon the 2012 Presedential Election, we are forced to take a look at the state of our nation, find the problems (of which there are many) and offer solutions. Certainly the most prominent problem of this election with be the economy - an issue that is not much different than where we were four years ago when obama promised us "hope". It is clear that the american people are still struggling. Businesses are still struggling. and for some reason, its up to the government to fix it. We need lower taxes, on both businesses and the people. Put money back in our pockets. It will give businesses the capability to hire and the people the ability to buy from the businesses, which will in turn get this economy moving. "Then how will the government pay for this massive debt?" you might ask. Because more people will be hired and self sufficient, we'll be able to cut back on the amount of money that goes towards social programs.

now, this is certainly only a little thing, and would be much more complicated to implement than what i have just laid out. what this nation needs is a swift kick in the pants. My generation is a spoiled, entitled bunch that has no idea what it means to work their way up. a piece of paper does not guarantee you your dream job straight out of college. There are jobs out there. I myself have been offered three in the last two days. they're crummy jobs. Jobs i don't want by any means. but IT'S A JOB. take it. get off your butt. and help get this economy moving. We need a president who recognizes this and has no qualms of telling the american people what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. Remember when Kennedy said, "ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?" yeah, we need that attitude back. cue Mr. President's motivational, ass-kicking speech.

dolphins and little pink books

Why must i always, constantly look to the future? i once heard a friend say that looking forward is just another form of nostalgia - and im prone to agree. It keeps you from recognizing the beauty in the moment now and truly enjoying what life has given you. These past two weeks have been hard. heck, the past six months have been hard and all i have been doing is looking towards whats ahead - grad school, weddings, travels, boyfriend. This dreaming mentality - imagining the greatness that the future may hold - is a sickness that i have always had. And now, I'm sitting in starbucks nursing a latte and listening to music that can only put me in a good mood. The sun is shining. i have a God who loves me. and in this very moment, i am happy. truly happy. maybe this evening will suck and once again, ill find myself hating my job. but for now, i love what i have. and so this is my goal. i will constantly remind myself to live in the moment, to love what i have been blessed with and find myself lacking nothing. for if i keep looking to the horizon, ill miss what is right in front of me, and thats not living.

When i was in high school, my best friend had a little pink book full of things that would make her smile. And while our English teacher would drone on about Macbeth, Paradise Lost and Swift, we would read through that little book, adding to it and  laughing about events that had become inside jokes. It was a brilliant little book. There were things like bright colored crayons, piratical movie nights, snow and the beatles. I think its time i made my own little book. time i lived a life of gratitude. Right now, im looking at little moments, things that make me happy and im beginning to realize that i love my life. Things like frappucinos, the beach, fedora hats, jason mraz, and ice cream will be the first to adorn my pages. just thinking about these things already puts a smile on my face.  yes, i think a little book of things that make me smile is a very good idea indeed.

Its interesting to see what it feels like to face the world alone. i can honestly say that i have never been in this situation before. God has always been faithful in providing me with at least one friend that is very similar to myself in faith and lifestyle. there has always been someone with whom i can sympathize and vice versa. but now....its God and I. I've become introverted again. although, this time around, i cant say thats a bad thing. Instead of taking all my thoughts and desires to myself, i've been taking them to God and in that i can feel my relationship with Him continuing to grow. is it lonely? sometimes. most of the time. but then i think of the apostles: John, Paul, Peter, sitting in their cells, mocked for their faith, with God as their only source of strength. They had friends via letters, similar to myself, but their was no one to lunch with, no one to laugh with, no one to hold them when things were too much to bare - save the hand of God. I have been in love with Gods Word. i let myself disappear in it and there i find solace. and i pray daily for a companion. i know that God will provide me that confidant when the timing is right. but perhaps i need to grow a little in the meantime. things are happening inside of me. the hole is slowly but surely being filled. and despite the ups and downs of the past few weeks, one thing remains forever constant: God is Faithful.

a moment of peace

      So its been a while since i've last written. the truth is, i just can't seem to find anything to say. Even in my normal, daily life, i find myself at a loss for words that might describe anything of interest or value. My life is good. My life is simple. Every day i wake up, go to rehearsal, come home, rotate between reading a book or going to the gym and then go to sleep. There's nothing too exciting. at least that's how it seems to me. But am i missing something? am i blind to the unexpected joys of my own life? surely there must be something within my days worth talking about. This rehearsal process has certainly pushed me in ways that are new to me. i have been challenged both mentally and physically, and yet, i am completely at peace with it. and there it is. I am at peace. For once in my life, i feel comfortable with where i am at. right now. right here in this moment. Sure, i look forward to what the future might have in store. will next summer involve some traveling? perhaps another mission trip of some kind? is grad school or a new city in the works? All of these questions have crossed my mind and i have politely smiled and nodded my head in acknowledgment as i allow them to walk by on the metaphorical sidewalk of my brain. The truth is, there's no need for me to consider those things just as of yet. there's still too much to appreciate while i am here.
       And those are the moments when God chooses to reveal himself. I had every intention of going to church this morning. However, thanks to construction, closed subway lines and traffic, God obviously had other plans and i didnt make it in time for the service. Instead, i spent my morning wandering the streets of Toronto, observing and exploring. 90% of the time, i had no idea where i was or how to get home. But i wasn't planning on heading home anytime soon and therefore did not care that i was lost. As i walked, i spoke with God, reminding him of the many times that i have turned my back on Him, even with in the last day. i questioned His love for me. Did He look down at me and smile? or hang His head in shame, as He rightly should?
       Then He reminded me of His grace. As I stood amongst the trees in the park, the sunlight splintered through the leaves, casting green and gold shadows on my face and I understood. "This, is grace," He said to me. "This is my love for you, my child. I love you unconditionally. The sunlight, the breeze, this moment of contentment is evidence of my love for you. Never forget that." and i walked away smiling, because i have an awesome God.

i'm alive and i'm free, who wouldn't wanna be me.

every journey begins with a step. this particular journey begins with a step towards love, towards passion. after a slight relapse in my all to familiar friend named depression the other night, i took a day dedicated to my God and re-fixed my forgotten priorities. for while i am filled with compassion for others, i frequently struggle with love. i yearn for a day when i may open my heart fully to my friends and love them with every fiber of my being. this is a trait i have been praying for for years. i expressed this desire to God once again, and he simply said to me, "have patience. i am working in you, but it will be slow. it's like a diet. go on a crash diet and you'll gain all that weight back. but this? this is a life style change. this is a change that will be deep and permanent." and so this morning i awoke with the same determination to set my mind on my creator as i had the day before. i sat, and i worshiped and i prayed. and already i feel lighter. i think L.A is going to be very sunny and warm, and its not due to their beautiful weather. no, this joy will come from my heart. and i am very excited for my journey to begin.

let it rain

the rain pours as i look out the window to see a small piece of innocence get washed down the gutter, swirling along with the leaves of yesterday, accompanied by a stranger's leftover garbage. it's not sad, there's no anger in this loss, its just....life. something we have come to accept. maybe that is where the sadness lies. it hides. can i smile at you and give you a hug? maybe i can give you a small piece of me, here take my heart! if only you could know my joy, the lightness that is in my every step thanks to an almighty God. what it must feel like to regain that pride. tired from the incessant treading of the world, bruised and beaten, we fall to the ground in despair and cry out to the sky, "hear my plea!" but we receive silence in return. and as we listen closer, that slight buzzing we once thought was the wind begins to take shape. slowly coming together to form the sounds of a whisper, growing stronger the harder we listen and then there it is. three small words. "HERE I AM". dont ignore it, but run towards it. there are hurdles to jump and dragons to slay, but at the end of that road is a treasure worth every bit of hardship. and He'll be holding your hand the whole way.

my song

the other day i stopped in my tracks, took a look around and said to myself, "this is my life." its so overwhelming that it takes everything in me to not jump around in the street singing (although it doesn't stop me from dancing and singing in my car).  It's in those moments that i feel the creativity in me, the poetry, the music. it's in those moments that the hidden artist within me whispers and begs for me to let her out. She's weak, starved for lack of use. but just as a strong tree starts hidden beneath the ground, so must i allow that innermost angel to stretch and grow, becoming stronger with each year, each use, each song. it isn't easy. i can't know what the results will be. in fact, the results may be worthless in the beginning. left with a pile of creative nothing. a whole lot of cheese and mimicry. but i will continue to exercise my creative gift. like a muscle, pressing on through the pain, forcing myself to take one more step. there are words in my soul. i just need to find the best way to use them. i see the world for what it is. i see the world for what it can be. and it is my one and only wish to reveal these things through my art. i continue to tell myself that i am incapable, but that is the lie that has been poisoning my mind for years and it is time to stop. i have been blessed with opportunities and experiences i never would have thought possible. it is time to celebrate those moments and i will do that through my song, however lackluster it may be in the beginning.

can you hear it?