Its interesting to see what it feels like to face the world alone. i can honestly say that i have never been in this situation before. God has always been faithful in providing me with at least one friend that is very similar to myself in faith and lifestyle. there has always been someone with whom i can sympathize and vice versa. but now....its God and I. I've become introverted again. although, this time around, i cant say thats a bad thing. Instead of taking all my thoughts and desires to myself, i've been taking them to God and in that i can feel my relationship with Him continuing to grow. is it lonely? sometimes. most of the time. but then i think of the apostles: John, Paul, Peter, sitting in their cells, mocked for their faith, with God as their only source of strength. They had friends via letters, similar to myself, but their was no one to lunch with, no one to laugh with, no one to hold them when things were too much to bare - save the hand of God. I have been in love with Gods Word. i let myself disappear in it and there i find solace. and i pray daily for a companion. i know that God will provide me that confidant when the timing is right. but perhaps i need to grow a little in the meantime. things are happening inside of me. the hole is slowly but surely being filled. and despite the ups and downs of the past few weeks, one thing remains forever constant: God is Faithful.

a moment of peace

      So its been a while since i've last written. the truth is, i just can't seem to find anything to say. Even in my normal, daily life, i find myself at a loss for words that might describe anything of interest or value. My life is good. My life is simple. Every day i wake up, go to rehearsal, come home, rotate between reading a book or going to the gym and then go to sleep. There's nothing too exciting. at least that's how it seems to me. But am i missing something? am i blind to the unexpected joys of my own life? surely there must be something within my days worth talking about. This rehearsal process has certainly pushed me in ways that are new to me. i have been challenged both mentally and physically, and yet, i am completely at peace with it. and there it is. I am at peace. For once in my life, i feel comfortable with where i am at. right now. right here in this moment. Sure, i look forward to what the future might have in store. will next summer involve some traveling? perhaps another mission trip of some kind? is grad school or a new city in the works? All of these questions have crossed my mind and i have politely smiled and nodded my head in acknowledgment as i allow them to walk by on the metaphorical sidewalk of my brain. The truth is, there's no need for me to consider those things just as of yet. there's still too much to appreciate while i am here.
       And those are the moments when God chooses to reveal himself. I had every intention of going to church this morning. However, thanks to construction, closed subway lines and traffic, God obviously had other plans and i didnt make it in time for the service. Instead, i spent my morning wandering the streets of Toronto, observing and exploring. 90% of the time, i had no idea where i was or how to get home. But i wasn't planning on heading home anytime soon and therefore did not care that i was lost. As i walked, i spoke with God, reminding him of the many times that i have turned my back on Him, even with in the last day. i questioned His love for me. Did He look down at me and smile? or hang His head in shame, as He rightly should?
       Then He reminded me of His grace. As I stood amongst the trees in the park, the sunlight splintered through the leaves, casting green and gold shadows on my face and I understood. "This, is grace," He said to me. "This is my love for you, my child. I love you unconditionally. The sunlight, the breeze, this moment of contentment is evidence of my love for you. Never forget that." and i walked away smiling, because i have an awesome God.

i'm alive and i'm free, who wouldn't wanna be me.

every journey begins with a step. this particular journey begins with a step towards love, towards passion. after a slight relapse in my all to familiar friend named depression the other night, i took a day dedicated to my God and re-fixed my forgotten priorities. for while i am filled with compassion for others, i frequently struggle with love. i yearn for a day when i may open my heart fully to my friends and love them with every fiber of my being. this is a trait i have been praying for for years. i expressed this desire to God once again, and he simply said to me, "have patience. i am working in you, but it will be slow. it's like a diet. go on a crash diet and you'll gain all that weight back. but this? this is a life style change. this is a change that will be deep and permanent." and so this morning i awoke with the same determination to set my mind on my creator as i had the day before. i sat, and i worshiped and i prayed. and already i feel lighter. i think L.A is going to be very sunny and warm, and its not due to their beautiful weather. no, this joy will come from my heart. and i am very excited for my journey to begin.

let it rain

the rain pours as i look out the window to see a small piece of innocence get washed down the gutter, swirling along with the leaves of yesterday, accompanied by a stranger's leftover garbage. it's not sad, there's no anger in this loss, its just....life. something we have come to accept. maybe that is where the sadness lies. it hides. can i smile at you and give you a hug? maybe i can give you a small piece of me, here take my heart! if only you could know my joy, the lightness that is in my every step thanks to an almighty God. what it must feel like to regain that pride. tired from the incessant treading of the world, bruised and beaten, we fall to the ground in despair and cry out to the sky, "hear my plea!" but we receive silence in return. and as we listen closer, that slight buzzing we once thought was the wind begins to take shape. slowly coming together to form the sounds of a whisper, growing stronger the harder we listen and then there it is. three small words. "HERE I AM". dont ignore it, but run towards it. there are hurdles to jump and dragons to slay, but at the end of that road is a treasure worth every bit of hardship. and He'll be holding your hand the whole way.

my song

the other day i stopped in my tracks, took a look around and said to myself, "this is my life." its so overwhelming that it takes everything in me to not jump around in the street singing (although it doesn't stop me from dancing and singing in my car).  It's in those moments that i feel the creativity in me, the poetry, the music. it's in those moments that the hidden artist within me whispers and begs for me to let her out. She's weak, starved for lack of use. but just as a strong tree starts hidden beneath the ground, so must i allow that innermost angel to stretch and grow, becoming stronger with each year, each use, each song. it isn't easy. i can't know what the results will be. in fact, the results may be worthless in the beginning. left with a pile of creative nothing. a whole lot of cheese and mimicry. but i will continue to exercise my creative gift. like a muscle, pressing on through the pain, forcing myself to take one more step. there are words in my soul. i just need to find the best way to use them. i see the world for what it is. i see the world for what it can be. and it is my one and only wish to reveal these things through my art. i continue to tell myself that i am incapable, but that is the lie that has been poisoning my mind for years and it is time to stop. i have been blessed with opportunities and experiences i never would have thought possible. it is time to celebrate those moments and i will do that through my song, however lackluster it may be in the beginning.

can you hear it?

be true. be new. be you.

i have dedicated myself to a new task: to find something poetic in my every day.


i had a jazz final due today. and as i sat there, my back leaning against the smooth cool glassy mirror, i waited for my turn to present the project that had frustrated my thoughts for the past week and a half. as i watched my friends and classmates, the realization that i had done my project wrong began to creep over the horizon. then with full force, the light shone down on me and screamed, "sucks to be you!" in the past, i may have panicked, burying myself in the ground like a scared mole, hiding and hoping that i would be passed over, giving me the opportunity to redo my project that night. however, today i stood proud, handed over my treasure chest of music commonly referred to as an ipod and took my place before my peers. in that moment i made a decision. i was not doing this for a grade. i was not doing this to create an epic scene of torment and emotion. this dance was for fun. this dance was for me. and that's exactly what i did. for the first time in my jazz final choreographing career i choreographed a dance where i was silly, goofy me. the side of me i rarely let people see. the side of me i love and am finally starting to embrace. i bounced around like a silly girl dancing on her bed to her favorite feel-good song. right or wrong, i had fun and for the first time i can say, "i am proud of my jazz final." and that is all that matters.

be true. be you. be new. life is too short to worry about right and wrong. meet challenges head on and have fun in the process. to live joyfully is a choice. it is taking that step toward ultimate happiness. from now on, no matter the situation, i choose joy.

where does your security lie?

my very core has been rocked. thank goodness my foundation is solid in my Lord Jesus Christ. what do you do when the person you normally look to for guidance, for laughter, for blessings and reminders, no longer looks you in the eye? "i find my security in God and God alone" i repeat over and over. yet there are the doubts that find a way of creeping in. are they lies or conviction? i know im not perfect, but i do my best to let the holy spirit flourish within me so that i might bear all of His fruits. perhaps it is not enough. maybe i am being sensitive. perhaps i am reading to closely into the words that cut away at my joy and leave me in a state of confusion and hurt. did i imagine the shortness of tone? the impatience in your voice? im so sorry if i havnt loved you enough. ill try to do better.
father,

Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for your unending love and devotion. Thank you for your promises, for your Holy Spirit who is at work in me. i pray that you would bless me with the supernatural ability to love. i pray for a selfless love. that i would find joy in working for others gain and not my own. grant me patience. grant me joy. i pray that i would find my strength in you and you alone, the one constant in my life, so that in times of worry, sadness or doubt, i can stand firm in the faith and firm in the dignity that you have bestowed upon me. you love me, Lord, and that is all that matters. o what a friend we have in Jesus. Father, i pray that any girl who is doubting her steps right now would look to your face and know that she has a father who loves her very very much, no matter her mistakes or shortcomings. it is a love that the conditional love of the world is no match for. that is where her security lay. heal this broken spirit, Lord. protect us from the enemy's attacks so that our bond of sisterhood in faith may not be broken. strengthen us Lord God. For i am a woman clothed in strength and dignity. thank you Lord Jesus. Amen